Travel Log 9-30: Less then 24 hours to Octo ber!

I've been busy as a bee getting the kids costumes together for this upcoming month of fun!
     I think it's safe to say this is the favorite season/ month for many of us. So many crafts, so many projects! And sooooo much pumpkin!
     This year there is a fly in my autumn ointment. I've finally decided to deal with my weight issue and am on a pretty intense diet and exercise regime. Right when every treat I want to gobble until I puke comes out. So I've made it my personal mission to find or make recipes that will work with my diet and fill my pumpkin cravings.
     If any of them end up any good I'll post them here =).

Travel Log 9-8 : Honesty

    I've mentioned a couple times now that there have been a lot of changes that have come around in my life in the past year. I haven't gone into any detail on those changes on purpose. I am not good at opening up when it comes to things that are going wrong, or are emotionally invested for me.
    Part of why I started writing this blog all those years ago was that I wanted to make a space where I could push my personal boundaries and become a more open person. Part of that is owning up to the things that I don't like talking about. I was doing better with that before I pulled a ghost on all of you. I was opening up and talking about the aftermath of my Mom's sudden death. That was something that in person I couldn't articulate in any way. I couldn't even really let myself grieve until a few months ago.
     So in the interest of forcing myself to be more open about things it's time to put the biggest change to happen over the past year. The end of a decade long emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive, relationship and a nasty separation and divorce.
     It's very hard for me to admit to myself, let alone others who I respect and admire, that I let myself be in that kind of relationship or be used in the ways that I have been. It makes me feel weak, and stupid, and small. But I'll continue to be those things if I don't accept what happened, that I allowed it to happen, and let it go so that it has no more power over me.
   So this is my confession to myself and the world in general. I've been weak, I've been stupid, and I've been used. I opened myself up and got taken advantage of in the ways that were guaranteed to hurt me the most. Now I'm working on being strong again.
    I have been supremely gifted by the Powers that Be and have friends that are supportive and understanding. I have been extremely lucky and had the Universe deposit someone who has been everything that I didn't know I needed into my life, almost as if it was just waiting for me to wake up and say 'this isn't me' and make changes to drop him in my lap.
     So things haven't been horrible. I've had a hard year, but it's had some absolutely wonderful changes along with the bad. All of this was hard to say, but I do feel some relief now that I've let it out. Time to add being more open and honest about my life to the list of meditation subjects, lol.

Travel Log 8-26: Monday Monday

         I always feel this song is appropriate on Monday mornings. Something about this day just seems to be cursed. Waking up on Monday mornings is like pulling myself out of a deep fog.
       But I digress.
       I have been attempting to restart my daily meditation. With the kids all in school (my youngest started kindergarten this year *tears*) I have a couple hours a day to myself. I've been splitting that between going to the gym to lose this stubborn fat that seems to have taken up permanent residence around my middle and art and meditation. The art has been progressing- here's my current work in progress-

But the meditation has been failing. Miserably. I can't seem to pull myself out of the now long enough to clear my mind and open it to possibilities. I'm going to try some meditation prompts and see if that helps.

     All in all though, the changes and transitions in my life are getting easier. I'm finding my way back into, not my old skin, but a new one that I think I like better. I think this Autumn is going to be one of the best I've ever had.

Travel Log 8-24: The curse of the blank page

    I've been having some trouble figuring out what to post. I've been in non communication mode for long enough now that putting something out here is a daunting task. I guess I'll fill you guys in on some of the stuff that's been going on in my world.

     I've taken up crocheting and gotten pretty decent at it. Being naturally clumsy and a tad bit disorganized it's rather a shock that something that requires attention to small detail and rather a large amount of hand eye coordination has worked out so well for me. I'll be posting pictures of some of my in progress projects as I finish them.

   I've been doing a bit more with my artwork, and developing the skills and artwork up considerably. Here's a couple of pieces I've worked on recently.

    I've been keeping up my writing of sorts as well, getting into some role playing and actually having some fun with some table top games again. 

     All in all keeping myself busy, and feeding into my creativity where I can. I'm hoping to start bringing all the sides of my life back into balance so you'll be seeing a mish mosh on here but then, variety is the spice of life!

Travel Log 8-22: *Ahem*

     Hi Everyone!!

    It's been a while. Over a year. A lot has happened in what really amounts to such a short time. My personal and home life has been turned upside down and shaken around until it's almost unrecognizable. In general Life has decided it was time for me to make changes and enforced the point.
     I've been writing, drawing, and generally immersing myself into my geeky proclivities. My spiritual focus, however, has fallen to the wayside. Consider this my return to the fold. It's time to refocus and make my spirituality a focal point again.
     So I'll be updating here again with my thoughts, spiritual trials, and most likely dragging my geeky pursuits into it as well. And I'll stop just haunting all your blogs and start posting on them again. Some of you I've kept in touch with via Facebook, and I've not forgotten any of you, just gone silent while I've digested all that's happened in my life over the past year.
    But now I'm back! Just in time for Fall too!

Travel Log 3-13: The Black, The White, and The Grey

   While strolling through the Blog O'Sphere today I stumbled across a great post by Kallan over at The Secret Life of the American Working Witch. Check it out. It's about looking at your potential to be the truest self you can be, recognizing what you have to give up in order to be that person, and honoring the strength inside you to make that happen (that's what I got from it- go see what you get from it).
    This resonated with me. As you all know I've gone through a lot of changes in my little world over the past six months. These exterior changes dominoed into changes in my role within my family and the world in general. I'm not completely comfortable with all of these changes, and I'm not really sure that these changes make me the best me possible- or even the me I want to be. I had made such strides towards really owning who I was over the past couple of years and feeling that slipping away from me under the strain of becoming who my family needs me to be has been a slow torture. You would think that there would be some way to merge these two people- who I want to be and who I need to be- but I have yet to be able to find it. Past experience has taught me that being the best me I can be causes people who count on me to fall apart themselves and drag everyone into a horrible downward spiral.
    In order to keep peace for those who depend on me the me that I present has to not be the real, or even optimal, me. I know this, and in many ways I accept it as the role that I have to play for the next few years until my father passes, but that doesn't stop a part of me from grieving not only for my mother but also for the me that is being suffocated deep down where I have to bury it. This is the black that has infested my life.
    A little piece of white that is shining in is that in certain ways my writing is starting to take off. I am now not just a monthly contributor to PaganPages.net, but I have been accepted as a freelance (writing world code for paid) contributor to the Pagan Writers Community. This is a HUGE step for me and I had to swallow a bunch of my ridiculous self esteem problems to even apply (as with most mental block issues I know they are ridiculous but that doesn't stop them from interfering in my life if I'm not careful) and was completely stoked to be accepted. Especially since a lot of very well credentialed writers have also signed on.
   And then there is the grey. The current trend in politics has been really driving me nuts. The rehashing of what have been considered basic rights already fought for and achieved has really brought my blood to a boil. Then seeing how quick we all came together as a country to say how unacceptable the whole thing was made my heart swell with American pride. It heartened me to see so many people starting to engage with each other and the political process. Then I decided to try and do my part by helping with the organizational end of an event happening in my area. Let's just say that this is an experience I shall not soon forget for so many reasons- some of them good, some of them bad.

   Next week? Our first family trip to Las Vegas. Light a candle for me people- make it a BIG one.

Travel Log 3-6: Furry Peanuts

  Don't anyone keel over with shock but I am here to make a post. Everyone ok? No medical assistance needed? Good.

    This weekend I was treated to a moment that I will treasure forever and which showed me an aspect of one of my children that I was very proud to see. As a family we headed out to see the Lorax.
     I was especially excited about this. I absolutely loved The Lorax when I was growing up. When my husband said he had never seen it I gasped so loud that I almost passed out from lack of oxygen then proceeded to make him watch it. And sang the barbaloot song for about three hours and may possibly have scarred him for life. But I digress.
    We mosied off to the theater this weekend in a great mood. The kids were happy and looking forward to the jokes they had seen in the trailers they had seen, not to mention the candy and popcorn in their future (I may have been singing the babaloot song on the way but can neither confirm nor deny in case my hubby wants to use it against me later). It all went well and we were settled in our seats with our 3d glasses on (the kids had cute orange ones- yes I'm a geek. Don't judge me) and the movie had some good laughs going. Especially the humming fish. They were hilarious.
    Then the big production number with the Once-ler came. At first my littlest guy was dancing in front of his seat with the rock beat, but as the song went on and the tone of the scenes on screen changed to a stark contrast with the happy beat of the song he started cuddling me and saying "no, don't do that."
    Then came the moment when the last truffula tree gets chopped down. The production company did an awesome job with this scene. It is the only bit of color in the landscape and once it falls silence reigns as the Lorax looks at the Once-ler in sorrow. In our theater this silence was only broken by my little guy sobbing uncontrollably. My little three year old was sobbing as if his heart was breaking and asking me why he took the last one. As the Lorax pulled himself up by the seat of the pants and took himself off the squishie man took my face in his little hands and looked at me with tears streaking down his little face and told me "I'm going to listen. The Lorax won't leave me."
      I have a very special little guy an I hope he never changes. I am so proud of his empathy.