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I have been pretty absent on here for a while, and mainly that's because I've been letting my hubby decide what activities we're going to do in our spare time (mainly at night, after all the kids go to bed) and it's almost always play World of Warcraft and it has left me so tired I haven't been able to think straight let alone write coherently (as I'm sure some of you have noticed with my recent posts).
Now I like playing WoW, have played it from the beginning (all 6 years, lol), but I don't really like the majority of other people who play the game. They, in fact, piss me off pretty badly and generally put me in a bad mood.
So for the past couple of months I have been spending the majority of my nights getting pissed off by random internet jerks that have an inflated sense of self importance because they have wasted even more of their life obtaining completely imaginary items and skills in a completely imaginary world. These hours have included ones that I should be sleeping, thus leaving me sleep dep'd for the next day..and thus the cycle goes. While this makes my hubby happy, it is making me miserable.
Half a year ago I was cruising along. Crafting, working on my meditation, becoming more balanced and working out the groove of being a stay at home mom. Now I am a sleep deprived mess that is stressed out over purely fictional situations. This has to stop.
What precipitated this revelation? Well last night the hubby and I had reached what he was sure was the culmination of what he had been working for the past few months. We're in a guild of friends that broke off of a group of friends and is slowly going nowhere (there are these group activities called raids that you do to get better gear and see more content) and he's been chomping at the bit to be able to do raids and climb up the WoW ladder so to speak. Well last night we went on a trial run with a new guild that he was stoked to join. I wasn't even sure I wanted to go to a new group, but I was willing to give it a shot for him. Let's just say it didn't go well. In fact it was a disaster, and according to the people that were judging us it was pretty much my fault because I suck.
This interaction actually sent me to bed crying last night. Which was so ridiculous I want to slap myself. What the hell do I care about what some jerk that cares way too damn much about a game thinks of me? I wasn't even sure I wanted to join their group anyway. Rejection in any form hurts, but it was more that I was so mad that I could only let it out by crying. I'd given up the stuff I really wanted to do to play this stupid game night after night, and I wasn't any damn good at it. Months wasted so that some little prick could judge me and claim I was worthless. My husband doesn't get it. He gets that I was upset, but he thinks it's because we aren't going to join this group, he doesn't understand that I'm just seriously pissed off at myself and the loss of time.
So it's time to stop. It's time to let him play the game if he wants but I'm going to go back to what makes me happy. I'm going to pick up my crafting again. I've conquered wheat and white bread. I can make my own jam and preserves. I am an accomplished adult who is damn good at a lot of stuff, not just some dumb little game.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Travel Log 3-17: A bit O' the Blarney
Bust out the green beer and get drunk till you can't even stagger straight it's St. Patrick's day!
This (and sometimes Valentine's day) is one of those holidays that makes me pause and think. To look at what we do and what we mean. I know today isn't one that is usually associated with deep thought or meditation, but hey why should I start conforming now?
The pagan community's confusion and general discord with almost any mainstream holiday makes me stop and look at them from multiple perspectives while I sort out my own feelings about them. I can see both sides. I can see the small, underdog pagan community (though all the trolls and general whiners seem to be packing on the weight for us) railing against the mainstream bulldozer that has flattened and rearranged the "traditional" holy days. I love the anthropological drive that is behind a lot of people's faith and belief and I feel that remembering where these days came from is very important.
And here comes the but ( and just like when we see ours in the mirror, it's always bigger than we'd like, lol). BUT this isn't centuries ago when those holidays were, in fact, relevant. The majority of us wouldn't know how to survive in the world as it was all those hundreds of years ago ( I know I would be crying in a corner for my mommy after about a day and a half of the work that had to be done for survival back then) so to say we understand and can duplicate the driving forces behind the original traditions and holidays on anything more than an allegorical level is disingenuous.
Every time a holiday comes up there is a lot of talk about why it has to be celebrated a certain way, and what the "right" meaning for it is (from just about every religion on the planet in some cases). Well I don't honestly think that there is a right way to celebrate a holiday. I think that what someone did in the 12th century was nice, and knowing about it makes me feel connected to the continuity of time, but I also don't think I need to do what they did, in the way they did it, or even celebrate for the same reasons.
When I hear people complaining that traditions are being lost or polluted these days I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that HISTORY IS NOT STAGNANT!!
Things change with time and society. That is how the human race moves forward (or backwards as the case may be *cough* teaparty*cough*). There is so much to be learned about who we are as a culture in the evolution of these traditions that it is a crime to bemoan their change. The very season's we are celebrating are proof that nothing was meant to stay the same- not even holidays. We should honor what was, then lift up our green beer (or whiskey if you've got the taste for it or a little Irish in ya') and celebrate what is. That these holidays did not become stagnant and die, but have found a way to exist and thrive and be relevant in a time that is so alien to their originators as to be fictional.
This (and sometimes Valentine's day) is one of those holidays that makes me pause and think. To look at what we do and what we mean. I know today isn't one that is usually associated with deep thought or meditation, but hey why should I start conforming now?
The pagan community's confusion and general discord with almost any mainstream holiday makes me stop and look at them from multiple perspectives while I sort out my own feelings about them. I can see both sides. I can see the small, underdog pagan community (though all the trolls and general whiners seem to be packing on the weight for us) railing against the mainstream bulldozer that has flattened and rearranged the "traditional" holy days. I love the anthropological drive that is behind a lot of people's faith and belief and I feel that remembering where these days came from is very important.
And here comes the but ( and just like when we see ours in the mirror, it's always bigger than we'd like, lol). BUT this isn't centuries ago when those holidays were, in fact, relevant. The majority of us wouldn't know how to survive in the world as it was all those hundreds of years ago ( I know I would be crying in a corner for my mommy after about a day and a half of the work that had to be done for survival back then) so to say we understand and can duplicate the driving forces behind the original traditions and holidays on anything more than an allegorical level is disingenuous.
Every time a holiday comes up there is a lot of talk about why it has to be celebrated a certain way, and what the "right" meaning for it is (from just about every religion on the planet in some cases). Well I don't honestly think that there is a right way to celebrate a holiday. I think that what someone did in the 12th century was nice, and knowing about it makes me feel connected to the continuity of time, but I also don't think I need to do what they did, in the way they did it, or even celebrate for the same reasons.
When I hear people complaining that traditions are being lost or polluted these days I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that HISTORY IS NOT STAGNANT!!
Things change with time and society. That is how the human race moves forward (or backwards as the case may be *cough* teaparty*cough*). There is so much to be learned about who we are as a culture in the evolution of these traditions that it is a crime to bemoan their change. The very season's we are celebrating are proof that nothing was meant to stay the same- not even holidays. We should honor what was, then lift up our green beer (or whiskey if you've got the taste for it or a little Irish in ya') and celebrate what is. That these holidays did not become stagnant and die, but have found a way to exist and thrive and be relevant in a time that is so alien to their originators as to be fictional.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Travel Log 3-14: Holes in the Walls and Nervousness
Well, we're home again, and yes there are hoes in our walls. Not a lot and not too badly, but I did go nuts with the spider spray just in case (I know that as someone who respects nature and loves the earth I should find a place in my heart for the little eight legged creepy crawlers but to me that place stops at my property line- I'll respect the little buggers in somebody else's house). I'm a little phobic about them. Now comes the waiting game over when the walls will be fixed and the new carpeting put in so that we can actually get he house back in order.
And today is parent teacher conferences at my midgets current school. I have no idea why I'm always nervous when I go to a school for a function. I'm not being judged or rated. Maybe it's just my natural aversion to confrontation and my usual feeling of needing to yell at the Monkeyman's teachers. But nervous or not I have to go and hear how they shall rate my offspring's efforts over the last few months. And I shall refrain from doing a happy dance through his classroom and singing "ding dong the witch is dead" in reference to him going to the other school next year. It has not been all bad at this school, and he has had some great teacher's and staff working with him, but it's so hit and miss. One year he'll get a good teacher, and the next it'll be absolutely horrible.
So we'll see how it goes, hopefully I won't have to get upset and go crazy mom on anyone.
And today is parent teacher conferences at my midgets current school. I have no idea why I'm always nervous when I go to a school for a function. I'm not being judged or rated. Maybe it's just my natural aversion to confrontation and my usual feeling of needing to yell at the Monkeyman's teachers. But nervous or not I have to go and hear how they shall rate my offspring's efforts over the last few months. And I shall refrain from doing a happy dance through his classroom and singing "ding dong the witch is dead" in reference to him going to the other school next year. It has not been all bad at this school, and he has had some great teacher's and staff working with him, but it's so hit and miss. One year he'll get a good teacher, and the next it'll be absolutely horrible.
So we'll see how it goes, hopefully I won't have to get upset and go crazy mom on anyone.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Travel Log 3-10: Why Stress Can Kill Other People...
I have a theory. Every once in a while the universe decides to screw with you. Things happen that are so beyond your control that there is effectively nothing you can do about it, and somehow everything you do just makes it worse so that eventually you just want to sit in or corner and whimper or scream and tear your hair out. And somewhere some one or something is most likely laughing their behind off.
Well that is the kind of month I've been having. See we rent the house we live in, and about a month ago we noticed a leak in the boys room. It was small at first and we reported it to the owners and they proceeded to procrastinate about it. They came and looked at it a couple times. Tore open the wall and looked at it, then left it for a week. Then tore a hole in the cement foundation and left that for 2 weeks. Filed a homeowner's insurance claim and then had some guy come out and tear all the carpeting out and test for asbestos. Then left it for another 2 weeks. Now this weekend an actual plumber is supposed to come out and fix everything, but this is where it gets really stressful.
See the insurance decided rather than just dealing with the leak they are going to re-pipe the entire house. That is going to mean tearing through up to 7 walls. 7 WALLS.
Now this wouldn't normally worry me, but the owner is not the most organized or efficient of people. She didn't bother to ask the plumber any questions and was not aware they were repiping the entire house until I asked the plumber and told her. She was not aware that we would have to go and stay in a hotel for the weekend because there would be no way for us to stay in the house. She paid no attention when she was informed that there was asbestos in the walls and as such there would need to be a special company hired and scheduled to come in and open the walls up for the plumbers to lay the pipes. She also never asked what state the house would be in on Sunday when we were to return.
So as it stands now, we have made and paid for non refundable (because of how soon the reservation is) a hotel room for the weekend for the work to take place and it may not even take place because she has not made any contact with a company to come in and tear into the walls so that the plumbers can even start. And if they somehow do get to do their work we are going to come home Sunday night to walls torn apart and left open because the owner has also made no arrangements to have them closed up or the carpet replaced, or generally ANYTHING to make the house actually livable for adults, let alone children.
Through this all I have been patient, understanding, and as cooperative as possible because I just want this done and the place I live back to normal so we can just get back to a normalcy. I have been dealing with this because my hubby tends to overreact to things and, when he sees something that he feels is making his family uncomfortable gets very pointed about his feelings. So essentially I"m carrying the stress on my own, because not only do I have to stay as polite as possible with the owner so as to keep a decent relationship with them, I have to keep my husband from going through the roof every time something goes wrong. If we still had our savings I would have said lets move back when this ridiculousness started, but reality is that we can't really afford to move and have to find a way to make the best of the situation. I'm running out of best here and am generally ready to scream at someone. I can actually see my hair turning white...
If this doesn't let up soon I'm going to snap and run through the house babbling and throwing things.
Well that is the kind of month I've been having. See we rent the house we live in, and about a month ago we noticed a leak in the boys room. It was small at first and we reported it to the owners and they proceeded to procrastinate about it. They came and looked at it a couple times. Tore open the wall and looked at it, then left it for a week. Then tore a hole in the cement foundation and left that for 2 weeks. Filed a homeowner's insurance claim and then had some guy come out and tear all the carpeting out and test for asbestos. Then left it for another 2 weeks. Now this weekend an actual plumber is supposed to come out and fix everything, but this is where it gets really stressful.
See the insurance decided rather than just dealing with the leak they are going to re-pipe the entire house. That is going to mean tearing through up to 7 walls. 7 WALLS.
Now this wouldn't normally worry me, but the owner is not the most organized or efficient of people. She didn't bother to ask the plumber any questions and was not aware they were repiping the entire house until I asked the plumber and told her. She was not aware that we would have to go and stay in a hotel for the weekend because there would be no way for us to stay in the house. She paid no attention when she was informed that there was asbestos in the walls and as such there would need to be a special company hired and scheduled to come in and open the walls up for the plumbers to lay the pipes. She also never asked what state the house would be in on Sunday when we were to return.
So as it stands now, we have made and paid for non refundable (because of how soon the reservation is) a hotel room for the weekend for the work to take place and it may not even take place because she has not made any contact with a company to come in and tear into the walls so that the plumbers can even start. And if they somehow do get to do their work we are going to come home Sunday night to walls torn apart and left open because the owner has also made no arrangements to have them closed up or the carpet replaced, or generally ANYTHING to make the house actually livable for adults, let alone children.
Through this all I have been patient, understanding, and as cooperative as possible because I just want this done and the place I live back to normal so we can just get back to a normalcy. I have been dealing with this because my hubby tends to overreact to things and, when he sees something that he feels is making his family uncomfortable gets very pointed about his feelings. So essentially I"m carrying the stress on my own, because not only do I have to stay as polite as possible with the owner so as to keep a decent relationship with them, I have to keep my husband from going through the roof every time something goes wrong. If we still had our savings I would have said lets move back when this ridiculousness started, but reality is that we can't really afford to move and have to find a way to make the best of the situation. I'm running out of best here and am generally ready to scream at someone. I can actually see my hair turning white...
If this doesn't let up soon I'm going to snap and run through the house babbling and throwing things.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Travel Log 3-5: A Big Giant Thank You!
Just dropping in on a busy weekend to say thank you thank you thank you to everyone out there who shot some energy towards my Monkeyman yesterday for the big drawing to see if he would get into that school.
Can I say it never ceases to amaze me what can be done when like minded people focus energy towards something. His was the first name drawn! He is super excited and so am I! This is an awesome opportunity and I know who I have to thank for it!
So Thank You all for your help, you totally rock!
Can I say it never ceases to amaze me what can be done when like minded people focus energy towards something. His was the first name drawn! He is super excited and so am I! This is an awesome opportunity and I know who I have to thank for it!
So Thank You all for your help, you totally rock!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Travel Log 3-4: Sweat, Skanky music, and more Sweat
First let me say thank you to everyone who is sending some good vibes this direction today and all of our fingers, toes, and available appendages are crossed for the drawing this afternoon!
Second I have finally decided to get my too large butt out of the computer chair and do something about it. I have spent the majority of my life overweight, and yes I know I should love myself the way I am, but the truth is I mentally see myself differently than the reality of my body size. As such I get seriously depressed every time the reality actually gets driven home. So it's time to make my mental picture the reality. It doesn't take much, just some self control (oh cookies and pastry how I shall miss thee!) and some hard work (that's the sweat!).
And because I'm an incurable geek (and because hauling my chubby butt out of the house to sweat in front of strangers is a recipe for failure to me) I've decided to utilize the wii that the we decided (after much pleading and begging and crying) to get the kids for yule this year. Haven't gotten the wii fit yet (I have commitment phobia for weight loss products that cost more than $20, just in case I fall off the Little Debbie wagon) but I am starting out with Just Dance 2 (more songs and a just sweat mode).
This leads me to the skanky music portion of this post. See I personally think that Ke$ha is probably one of the most skanky singers out there (and considering the competition that Britney is bringing that is saying A LOT) but I can't help but like the beat her songs are set too. The are snappy and bouncy, and make me want to shake my ample booty. However, as a grown adult responsible for the upbringing and future wardrobe and behavior of a 9 year old little girl, I cringe every time I hear them. On top of it my body image issues come into play and I feel ridiculous (and that's saying a lot because I have been known to go to the mall in full Adam Ant makeup for the hell of it).
The guilty pleasure of Just Dance 2 is that it has her song Tik Tok on it and it's one of the easier songs (only 1 sweat drop instead of 2 which means I only want to mildly cry after 3 minutes of it). So I give in and during my middle of the day 30 min "work out" on the the game I invariably pick that song.
And then proceed to "dance" to the giggles of a 2 year old and a 4 year old that think mommy hoping about like a maniac trying to keep up with the neon lady on the screen is hi-lar-i-ous.
Yeah.
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? Lol.
Second I have finally decided to get my too large butt out of the computer chair and do something about it. I have spent the majority of my life overweight, and yes I know I should love myself the way I am, but the truth is I mentally see myself differently than the reality of my body size. As such I get seriously depressed every time the reality actually gets driven home. So it's time to make my mental picture the reality. It doesn't take much, just some self control (oh cookies and pastry how I shall miss thee!) and some hard work (that's the sweat!).
And because I'm an incurable geek (and because hauling my chubby butt out of the house to sweat in front of strangers is a recipe for failure to me) I've decided to utilize the wii that the we decided (after much pleading and begging and crying) to get the kids for yule this year. Haven't gotten the wii fit yet (I have commitment phobia for weight loss products that cost more than $20, just in case I fall off the Little Debbie wagon) but I am starting out with Just Dance 2 (more songs and a just sweat mode).
This leads me to the skanky music portion of this post. See I personally think that Ke$ha is probably one of the most skanky singers out there (and considering the competition that Britney is bringing that is saying A LOT) but I can't help but like the beat her songs are set too. The are snappy and bouncy, and make me want to shake my ample booty. However, as a grown adult responsible for the upbringing and future wardrobe and behavior of a 9 year old little girl, I cringe every time I hear them. On top of it my body image issues come into play and I feel ridiculous (and that's saying a lot because I have been known to go to the mall in full Adam Ant makeup for the hell of it).
The guilty pleasure of Just Dance 2 is that it has her song Tik Tok on it and it's one of the easier songs (only 1 sweat drop instead of 2 which means I only want to mildly cry after 3 minutes of it). So I give in and during my middle of the day 30 min "work out" on the the game I invariably pick that song.
And then proceed to "dance" to the giggles of a 2 year old and a 4 year old that think mommy hoping about like a maniac trying to keep up with the neon lady on the screen is hi-lar-i-ous.
Yeah.
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? Lol.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Travel Log 3-1: A Little Help Please
I have a request to put out there for all you other witchy women that haunt my little corner of the blogospere- Please throw whatever good vibes you can towards my Monkeyman this Friday. He has been tested by his school and slapped with the label of "non-specific learning disorder". Now this is not so much the problem as it is the cause. See this has made his teachers think they have been given a pass about having to teach him anything. They pretty much ignore him (except the special ed teachers he sees twice a day for a few hours, they have been great but they don't get to much time with him) and generally treat him as if he wasn't their problem. I have had to go and put a metaphorical boot in several teacher and administrator's rear ends over this (as well as rampant bullying that has been happening to him). Now my first inclination is to yank him from the school and find some way to pay for private school but his father(not my current husband) has tied me into legal knots with a court order that he and his sister can only attend public school.
But here is where there is a ray of hope along with why I need as many prayers/good vibes/witchy help as I can get for him. There are magnet schools in our area. And one of them does not require GATE program acceptance or even request grades for enrollment. On top of it this school is a STEM (Science Technology Engineering, and Mathematics) school that works largely with project based learning which is perfect for my Monkeyman. But the proverbial fly in the ointment is that they had more applicants than they have room for, so it's going to come down to a lottery style drawing this Friday to see who gets the available spots. So please throw some good vibes our direction so he can hopefully have his name pulled!
But here is where there is a ray of hope along with why I need as many prayers/good vibes/witchy help as I can get for him. There are magnet schools in our area. And one of them does not require GATE program acceptance or even request grades for enrollment. On top of it this school is a STEM (Science Technology Engineering, and Mathematics) school that works largely with project based learning which is perfect for my Monkeyman. But the proverbial fly in the ointment is that they had more applicants than they have room for, so it's going to come down to a lottery style drawing this Friday to see who gets the available spots. So please throw some good vibes our direction so he can hopefully have his name pulled!
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