Thursday, February 10, 2011

Travel Log 2-10: In other news...

 I tend to hibernate in the winter. I get all frenzied and hectic from september through December, then as soon as January hits I click off. I just stop communicating all around. I don't call people, I don't write. Generally I find some cave to hide in and think existential thoughts.
    I have been making some headway into my quest to become a housewife with skills, rather than a confused befuddled mess beginning housewife. I am no longer afraid of yeast. I always worried that if I took on that scary little ingredient it would end in an "I Love Lucy" moment (I have way more of those than I admit to on a regular basis, lol).
     But I no longer fear that little packet of bacteria! I have conquered it and now know myself to be the superior sentient being!
    I would have pictures but this superior sentient being bought batteries for the camera and then promptly put them in my book light and now can't get them back out and I have not run to the store to get more.
    Also I have a strange opportunity on my mind. Possibly something I may persue and maybe something I'll pass up, we'll see. And when it gets more final I'll share it with all of you.
   And then we come to my current dilemma. How do you politely tell someone that you think they are rushing in where they should be being cautious when they have known you forever and know you're not really a polite kind of person? How do you not sound like a know it all looking for the I told you so? (see, that's why I don't talk to people during winter- I get all worried about their feelings and stuff rather than just speaking my mind).
    My best friend is getting married. Not till a year from now at least she says(I have my doubts about this and you'll see why later). To a man she has been dating less that 7 months.
    Now normally I'm not one to say that love takes a long time, but in this case I am worried. I have this nagging suspicion that things aren't as they appear. It may be because I haven't met this guy (she moved a couple states away a few years ago). It may be because I have this psychotic issue with feeling like I'm being replaced. Or it may be that everything isn't kosher here.
     See she's sort of known this person for years (they grew up in the same small town that she fled as soon as she could so she lost track of him for the majority of his adult life) and I feel that she may be putting too much emphasis on that. She knew him when he was in high school but has no actual knowledge of him after that when he went through 2 marriages and 3 kids (none of which live with him or he has any contact with other than the odd phone call). Now during this time she was in a very long term, and amazingly emotionally and eventually physically abusive relationship that produced her 2 children.  That relationship was essentially a rebound from her high school sweetheart. And now she has not had a serious relationship since the abusive ex (and by serious relationship I mean not flirting online, or going out for 1 cup of coffee).
     Now here's the crux of what worries me- this man is clingy. This man promises her to "go slow" and "take it as it comes" but then moves in after 3 weeks of dating. Her children are not taking all this very well, including one of them having severe out bursts and an obvious need for therapy (suicide threats from an 11 year old are definitely something that needs professional attention) and yet he presses on in his pursuit of the relationship. I have watched the woman who swore after her ex that a man would never take her focus away from her kids turn into one telling them that oh well she has a boyfriend and they are just going to have to learn to live with it. Now as a parent with children not from my current relationship I understand this to a point, but she always qualifies the situation by saying that it's because he doesn't let them treat her badly and that it's just their father trying to make trouble for her through them.
    That aside the way that he behaves within the relationship is a little worrying to me. When she came down to visit in October (for 2 days) he called her every 2 hours, and proceeded to keep her on the phone for at least 45- an hour each call. Now I understand being in a new relationship and missing your significant other, but we are not in jr. high here. He's over 30 and so is she. Two days separation should not cause obsessive calling. 
     And just a month ago she was telling me that she was feeling smothered because he constantly wanted her attention and it was getting in the way of her getting the stuff she needed to get done, done. Of course she said that after she talked to him about it he immediately curbed the behavior, but to so quickly after that propose?
    Also he has been putting a lot of hints and subtle pressure on her to stay at home and let him take care of her. Now being a stay at home mom I, on the surface, have no problem with that. However when I put that together with the length of their relationship added to her past 12 years in a messed up co-dependent relationship it worries me how often he is trying to convince her to do this. It worries me even more that he is proposing when she is leaving one job with another job not completely secured.
     Not having met this person in the flesh, and the fact that he has avoided contact with me AT ALL also makes me nervous. Being empathic I have learned to trust how I read people when I first meet or talk to them, and not having anything to go off of with him is nerve wracking as I look at how this is all playing out. You always try and meet the best friend, and he has specifically avoided ever trying to have any contact with me at all and that makes no sense to me.
     I guess the crux of my worry is that he isn't what he appears. Everything is just adding up too fast. He moves in after weeks of them dating (in Nov), proposes after only a couple months of them living together, and on top of it tells her he is now going to try and fight for custody of 2 of his 3 children and have them come live with them (after at least a decade of not being involved in their lives and not even in the same state). I am trying very hard to be happy for her, and I am also biting my tongue very, very hard. For 4 years she didn't speak to me because she had left and returned to the abusive ex and she didn't think I would approve of her choice. I do not want something like that to happen again, but I really have to find a way to express my concern. I at least want to ensure that she sticks to the year's engagement to give it time to play out. I really hope I am wrong.