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I don't normally do things like this but please start the video and read the lyrics then continue to the rest of my post below it. It will all make sense I swear. It's Waiting For The End by Linkin Park.
This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear.
Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go...
(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so...
(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again!!
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what i haven't got...
This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
(Holding on to what i haven't got)
We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
(Holding on to what i haven't got!)
Ok now my post:
The Circle of Mom's thing has been a level 3 brewhaha from the start but has quickly escalated to a level 6 fiasco complete with death threats and religious warfare. (if by chance you have so far been lucky enough not to see the general asshattery going on with this check out Mrs. B's post HERE and catch up it's the whole situation is seriously ridiculous and unnecessary).
So many great people have weighed in on this (Kallan, Not Hannah, Mrs. B, Gumbo Soul, and so many more) but it has affected me so badly that I felt the need to use you all as a purging ground for it- sorry 'bout that.
I was raised in a christian household. Not amazingly devout or anything. We were catholic but after a little misunderstanding when I was 3 we left and didn't go back. I bounced around christian denominations and schools for almost all of my life. My parents never preached religion at me or even really talked about it at all really.
I started my pagan journey when I was about 14. When I talked to my parents about it they pretty much thought it was a great joke. They still do, which is why we don't talk about it. When I talked to the pastors that I had gone to for advice before their reactions ranged from laughter to talk of demonic possesion (tip to teenage pagans out there who just happen to be going to chirstian schools and are good at theology- be very careful who you discuss your own religion with, some people hide the crazy very well). As you can imagine I did not spend my formative years talking about my own faith pretty much AT ALL. I wish I could say that I was one of those rare brave people that found the strength to stand firm and fight for my faith but I wasn't. I pretty much put my head down, kept my mouth shut and tried to get through. Especially after I got shipped off to a reform school for juvenile delinquents in the middle of backwater southern mormon land (not for being a pagan but for running away from home for a week to go to my friends LSD baptism of all things- my parents knew a judge and were very over reactive).
This brings me to the song that I featured above(I told you it would make sense eventually). After taking some good hard looks at my reactions to what is going on over at Circle of Moms, this song is what keeps playing in my head. What upsets me the most about what is going on (besides the whole death threat/religious hate thing of course) is that I feel like it's dragging me back into a time and place I don't ever want to be in again. I ended something and began a different journey, but the ending never seems to be complete, and I can never seem to leave behind the remnants of what went before.
I want to be left alone in my faith, separate and distanced from the christian world. I don't want to be seen by them or be forced to look at the pain some of them can cause. Why can't they leave me alone in my faith? Why do they care what I believe or how I live? And why can't I stop caring about it all?
EDIT****************************
Ok, after rereading it the above sounds really really whiney, lol. Unfortunately you guys often get my thoughts as they pour out of my head and apparently I was having an emo moment. What I really wanted to say was that although I am not personally being attacked, or closely involved, between what is going on with this particular situation and the current political climate throughout the nation of right wing hard core scary christian legislating going on (mainly in the states not at a national level-yet) it is all dragging me back to a place that was really really dark in my life. I cannot understand why, when no one is going out of their way to have anything to do with these people, the really hateful and obscene crawls out of the woodwork and comes spitting in someone decents' face. Especially when the someone who's face is being spit upon really just wants to live their life and is not seeking to interact with the jerk spitting on them in any way.
In short the teenager in side of me is screaming at these people things along the lines of 'So what if you're not inviting me to your party, I don't want to go to your party, Now get the hades out of mine people want to dance and your car's blocking the DJ!'
Leaving christianity honestly seems like trying to break up with a particularly needy boyfriend sometimes....
