Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Travel Log 3-23: What the Hades am I doing?

I have been pretty absent on here for a while, and mainly that's because I've been letting my hubby decide what activities we're going to do in our spare time (mainly at night, after all the kids go to bed) and it's almost always play World of Warcraft and it has left me so tired I haven't been able to think straight let alone write coherently (as I'm sure some of you have noticed with my recent posts).
     Now I like playing WoW, have played it from the beginning (all 6 years, lol), but I don't really like the majority of other people who play the game. They, in fact, piss me off pretty badly and generally put me in a bad mood.
    So for the past couple of months I have been spending the majority of my nights getting pissed off by random internet jerks that have an inflated sense of self importance because they have wasted even more of their life obtaining completely imaginary items and skills in a completely imaginary world. These hours have included ones that I should be sleeping, thus leaving me sleep dep'd for the next day..and thus the cycle goes. While this makes my hubby happy, it is making me miserable.
     Half a year ago I was cruising along. Crafting, working on my meditation, becoming more balanced and working out the groove of being a stay at home mom. Now I am a sleep deprived mess that is stressed out over purely fictional situations. This has to stop.
     What precipitated this revelation? Well last night the hubby and I had reached what he was sure was the culmination of what he had been working for the past few months. We're in a guild of friends that broke off of a group of friends and is slowly going nowhere (there are these group activities called raids that you do to get better gear and see more content) and he's been chomping at the bit to be able to do raids and climb up the WoW ladder so to speak. Well last night we went on a trial run with a new guild that he was stoked to join. I wasn't even sure I wanted to go to a new group, but I was willing to give it a shot for him. Let's just say it didn't go well. In fact it was a disaster, and according to the people that were judging us it was pretty much my fault because I suck.
      This interaction actually sent me to bed crying last night. Which was so ridiculous I want to slap myself. What the hell do I care about what some jerk that cares way too damn much about a game thinks of me? I wasn't even sure I wanted to join their group anyway. Rejection in any form hurts, but it was more that I was so mad that I could only let it out by crying. I'd given up the stuff I really wanted to do to play this stupid game night after night, and I wasn't any damn good at it. Months wasted so that some little prick could judge me and claim I was worthless. My husband doesn't get it. He gets that I was upset, but he thinks it's because we aren't going to join this group, he doesn't understand that I'm just seriously pissed off at myself and the loss of time.
    So it's time to stop. It's time to let him play the game if he wants but I'm going to go back to what makes me happy. I'm going to pick up my crafting again. I've conquered wheat and white bread. I can make my own jam and preserves. I am an accomplished adult who is damn good at a lot of stuff, not just some dumb little game.