Sunday, September 8, 2013

Travel Log 9-8 : Honesty

    I've mentioned a couple times now that there have been a lot of changes that have come around in my life in the past year. I haven't gone into any detail on those changes on purpose. I am not good at opening up when it comes to things that are going wrong, or are emotionally invested for me.
    Part of why I started writing this blog all those years ago was that I wanted to make a space where I could push my personal boundaries and become a more open person. Part of that is owning up to the things that I don't like talking about. I was doing better with that before I pulled a ghost on all of you. I was opening up and talking about the aftermath of my Mom's sudden death. That was something that in person I couldn't articulate in any way. I couldn't even really let myself grieve until a few months ago.
     So in the interest of forcing myself to be more open about things it's time to put the biggest change to happen over the past year. The end of a decade long emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive, relationship and a nasty separation and divorce.
     It's very hard for me to admit to myself, let alone others who I respect and admire, that I let myself be in that kind of relationship or be used in the ways that I have been. It makes me feel weak, and stupid, and small. But I'll continue to be those things if I don't accept what happened, that I allowed it to happen, and let it go so that it has no more power over me.
   So this is my confession to myself and the world in general. I've been weak, I've been stupid, and I've been used. I opened myself up and got taken advantage of in the ways that were guaranteed to hurt me the most. Now I'm working on being strong again.
    I have been supremely gifted by the Powers that Be and have friends that are supportive and understanding. I have been extremely lucky and had the Universe deposit someone who has been everything that I didn't know I needed into my life, almost as if it was just waiting for me to wake up and say 'this isn't me' and make changes to drop him in my lap.
     So things haven't been horrible. I've had a hard year, but it's had some absolutely wonderful changes along with the bad. All of this was hard to say, but I do feel some relief now that I've let it out. Time to add being more open and honest about my life to the list of meditation subjects, lol.


  1. This brave, bold step is a huge opening on the path to healing. So much of reclaiming yourself and your power after a relationship like that comes from what people who haven't been there might consider a small admission.

    Those of us who have been there though, know better. From one survivor to another, you're going to be fine... and more than fine, you're going to be brilliant.

  2. Thank you Danni! It's been tough to talk about it, or admit it in anyway but it does feel cathartic to write it down and get it out there. I feel purged almost.
    Sorry it took me so long to respond I kinda posted this and left it to stew for a while. Couldn't come back to it right away =).