Travel Log 3-13: The Black, The White, and The Grey

   While strolling through the Blog O'Sphere today I stumbled across a great post by Kallan over at The Secret Life of the American Working Witch. Check it out. It's about looking at your potential to be the truest self you can be, recognizing what you have to give up in order to be that person, and honoring the strength inside you to make that happen (that's what I got from it- go see what you get from it).
    This resonated with me. As you all know I've gone through a lot of changes in my little world over the past six months. These exterior changes dominoed into changes in my role within my family and the world in general. I'm not completely comfortable with all of these changes, and I'm not really sure that these changes make me the best me possible- or even the me I want to be. I had made such strides towards really owning who I was over the past couple of years and feeling that slipping away from me under the strain of becoming who my family needs me to be has been a slow torture. You would think that there would be some way to merge these two people- who I want to be and who I need to be- but I have yet to be able to find it. Past experience has taught me that being the best me I can be causes people who count on me to fall apart themselves and drag everyone into a horrible downward spiral.
    In order to keep peace for those who depend on me the me that I present has to not be the real, or even optimal, me. I know this, and in many ways I accept it as the role that I have to play for the next few years until my father passes, but that doesn't stop a part of me from grieving not only for my mother but also for the me that is being suffocated deep down where I have to bury it. This is the black that has infested my life.
    A little piece of white that is shining in is that in certain ways my writing is starting to take off. I am now not just a monthly contributor to PaganPages.net, but I have been accepted as a freelance (writing world code for paid) contributor to the Pagan Writers Community. This is a HUGE step for me and I had to swallow a bunch of my ridiculous self esteem problems to even apply (as with most mental block issues I know they are ridiculous but that doesn't stop them from interfering in my life if I'm not careful) and was completely stoked to be accepted. Especially since a lot of very well credentialed writers have also signed on.
   And then there is the grey. The current trend in politics has been really driving me nuts. The rehashing of what have been considered basic rights already fought for and achieved has really brought my blood to a boil. Then seeing how quick we all came together as a country to say how unacceptable the whole thing was made my heart swell with American pride. It heartened me to see so many people starting to engage with each other and the political process. Then I decided to try and do my part by helping with the organizational end of an event happening in my area. Let's just say that this is an experience I shall not soon forget for so many reasons- some of them good, some of them bad.

   Next week? Our first family trip to Las Vegas. Light a candle for me people- make it a BIG one.

Travel Log 3-6: Furry Peanuts

  Don't anyone keel over with shock but I am here to make a post. Everyone ok? No medical assistance needed? Good.

    This weekend I was treated to a moment that I will treasure forever and which showed me an aspect of one of my children that I was very proud to see. As a family we headed out to see the Lorax.
     I was especially excited about this. I absolutely loved The Lorax when I was growing up. When my husband said he had never seen it I gasped so loud that I almost passed out from lack of oxygen then proceeded to make him watch it. And sang the barbaloot song for about three hours and may possibly have scarred him for life. But I digress.
    We mosied off to the theater this weekend in a great mood. The kids were happy and looking forward to the jokes they had seen in the trailers they had seen, not to mention the candy and popcorn in their future (I may have been singing the babaloot song on the way but can neither confirm nor deny in case my hubby wants to use it against me later). It all went well and we were settled in our seats with our 3d glasses on (the kids had cute orange ones- yes I'm a geek. Don't judge me) and the movie had some good laughs going. Especially the humming fish. They were hilarious.
    Then the big production number with the Once-ler came. At first my littlest guy was dancing in front of his seat with the rock beat, but as the song went on and the tone of the scenes on screen changed to a stark contrast with the happy beat of the song he started cuddling me and saying "no, don't do that."
    Then came the moment when the last truffula tree gets chopped down. The production company did an awesome job with this scene. It is the only bit of color in the landscape and once it falls silence reigns as the Lorax looks at the Once-ler in sorrow. In our theater this silence was only broken by my little guy sobbing uncontrollably. My little three year old was sobbing as if his heart was breaking and asking me why he took the last one. As the Lorax pulled himself up by the seat of the pants and took himself off the squishie man took my face in his little hands and looked at me with tears streaking down his little face and told me "I'm going to listen. The Lorax won't leave me."
      I have a very special little guy an I hope he never changes. I am so proud of his empathy.

AAAnd I'm back

I am officially back in the blogging world!
   Thanks to my hubby and his yule gift of a new laptop I can now mesh blogging with my, now, ridiculously busy life.
   Since my mother passed last year the tribe here has been going through a lot of changes. All of us have now moved into my parents house and we're in the process of cleaning up our credit so we can buy the place within the next 8 months. That is huge for us, but it comes with some bitter mixed in with the sweet.
    See we don't really want to buy this house. We had looked forward to finding the perfect place for our family that was just ours, you know? Now we're buying a good house, that we know all the ups and downs of, and that will fit our family but it's just not deep down what we really wanted.
     And in a way we've inherited a couple kids. My father is 85 and clearing up the chaos that he leaves in his wake when he 'fixes'  things(actual things and metaphorical things) is quickly shooting to the top of my list of things that are going to land me a padded room. Then there's my sister.
     While chronologically she is 41 and my older sister by 10 years, due to brain damage sustained during seizures as a small child she is a perpetual pre-teen. I love her to death, and she is an absolute sweetheart. I always figured someday I would be taking care of her, I just didn't figure it would be while I had 2 pre-teens of my own and 2 small children as well.
      It doesn't help that my parents way of dealing with her has always been to distract her with shopping. I am sure you all can see the problems that just spring up with that.
      I also joined a gym and am trying to get myself in shape. So far I've been going pretty faithfully (until the holidays hit and I got a horrendous case of food poisoning that put me down for quite a while).
     Oh and I'm really chugging away on finishing my book.
     So yeah, busy bee here, lol.
     I'm hoping to be hopping around all of your blogs and catching up over the next couple of weeks!