While strolling through the Blog O'Sphere today I stumbled across a great post by Kallan over at The Secret Life of the American Working Witch. Check it out. It's about looking at your potential to be the truest self you can be, recognizing what you have to give up in order to be that person, and honoring the strength inside you to make that happen (that's what I got from it- go see what you get from it).
This resonated with me. As you all know I've gone through a lot of changes in my little world over the past six months. These exterior changes dominoed into changes in my role within my family and the world in general. I'm not completely comfortable with all of these changes, and I'm not really sure that these changes make me the best me possible- or even the me I want to be. I had made such strides towards really owning who I was over the past couple of years and feeling that slipping away from me under the strain of becoming who my family needs me to be has been a slow torture. You would think that there would be some way to merge these two people- who I want to be and who I need to be- but I have yet to be able to find it. Past experience has taught me that being the best me I can be causes people who count on me to fall apart themselves and drag everyone into a horrible downward spiral.
In order to keep peace for those who depend on me the me that I present has to not be the real, or even optimal, me. I know this, and in many ways I accept it as the role that I have to play for the next few years until my father passes, but that doesn't stop a part of me from grieving not only for my mother but also for the me that is being suffocated deep down where I have to bury it. This is the black that has infested my life.
A little piece of white that is shining in is that in certain ways my writing is starting to take off. I am now not just a monthly contributor to PaganPages.net, but I have been accepted as a freelance (writing world code for paid) contributor to the Pagan Writers Community. This is a HUGE step for me and I had to swallow a bunch of my ridiculous self esteem problems to even apply (as with most mental block issues I know they are ridiculous but that doesn't stop them from interfering in my life if I'm not careful) and was completely stoked to be accepted. Especially since a lot of very well credentialed writers have also signed on.
And then there is the grey. The current trend in politics has been really driving me nuts. The rehashing of what have been considered basic rights already fought for and achieved has really brought my blood to a boil. Then seeing how quick we all came together as a country to say how unacceptable the whole thing was made my heart swell with American pride. It heartened me to see so many people starting to engage with each other and the political process. Then I decided to try and do my part by helping with the organizational end of an event happening in my area. Let's just say that this is an experience I shall not soon forget for so many reasons- some of them good, some of them bad.
Next week? Our first family trip to Las Vegas. Light a candle for me people- make it a BIG one.